Getting Sober

 November 1, 2022

94 days

I recently had someone write me, and ask, "How did you get sober?"  Wow!  Ever since I got that message, I have really been contemplating the right answer.  I realized though, "getting" sober is way different than "staying" sober.  

Alcohol became a part of my life around 14 years old.  I didn't start heavily drinking until around 16.  I loved to party and socialize.  I felt somewhat special, because I was the DD a lot of times since I had my own car.  Unfortunately though, I was being the "designated driver" under the influence of alcohol.  By the time I was a senior in high school, and 18 years of age, I got my first DUI.  My mom had to bail me out of jail the morning after my prom night...worse part was it was Mother's Day. 

Getting in trouble DID have a significant impact on my life.  This was the first time that I vividly remember not drinking. I went off to college and joined a sorority.  Throughout that whole time, I barely drank, if at all. Even when I got married to my first husband at the age of 22, alcohol still wasn't a big part of my life.  It just wasn't something that we did a lot, or I had a lot of interest in.  I would say, at this point, I probably was not an alcoholic yet, although my early drinking paved the way for my addiction. The disease just hadn't quite found me yet. 

I got a divorce about 7 years after I was married. I truly believe my divorce was a catalyst for the beginning stages of my alcoholism to dig in. I was around 30 years old at the time. I enjoyed going out and I loved the bar scene, but I think alcohol became a source of escape for the things I was emotionally dealing with at the time. 

In 2012, I met my current husband, James. By this time, the disease hadn't fully progressed yet. Throughout the beginning of our relationship, it was easy to drink when going out.  I also had a safe place to stay, if I needed one, so I wouldn't drink and drive to get home.  Despite all of my choices that I regret, after my first DUI, I vowed to never drink and drive again.  And I kept that promise. 

Eventually, my daughter and I, actually moved in with James and his kiddos.  I truly feel this was when my alcoholism kicked in full gear.  I had all the fundamentals of a home, and it was great! I had a place to drink now.  I felt like I officially was an adult again, and I could now drink at home.  What I didn't realize, is how deep this disease eats at your soul, and over the years, I would eventually be fighting to conquer sobriety.   

I remember my first real shot at sobriety was in 2019.  I just turned 40!  We had gone to St. Augustine for my 40th.  I decided to just go with James and Reina, but unfortunately, I drank the entire trip.  I remember feeling so miserable on my way home, that I begged myself to never drink again.  But, of course, like many alcoholics, despite our pleas, we will go back and repeat the same tortuous behaviors...over and over again. I stayed sober 6 months before I drank again, but once I started drinking again, it became harder and harder to quit. 

Finally, in July 2022, my quest for sobriety was so deep, I would have done anything to save myself and my family from my awful convictions. Depression wrecked havoc on my being, and alcohol became just a vicious cycle of repeated wrongdoings. My life just seemed completely dysfunctional.  I couldn't fathom the thought of even going to work in this unequivocal state of depression. So, in the end of July, with my family's support, I entered rehab. To make a long story short, it wasn't rehab that helped me get sober, believe it or not?  It was an act of desperation that led me to CHOOSE sobriety.  (I can go into those details on another blog!)

I think in some ways, my families' ability to protect me from myself, was in actuality my demise. That is in no way a "blame game" on my part. It's just as alcoholics we tend to find people's strengths and weaknesses, and we use them to our advantage.  We are selfish in our our quest to continue drinking.  

As I approach 100 days of sobriety, my selfishness has lessened, especially in regards to my understanding of alcoholism. I strongly feel that my perception of the people that had such strength in me all along, has not changed, it has grown.  It is time I give them a renewed sense of purpose.  I did the first part when I got sober, but now I must give them a chance to believe in me again, by STAYING SOBER!