My hubby!
January 12, 2023
166 days
I didn't know what "true love" was, until I went through an extreme transformation of the soul. Prior to sobriety, I was so self-consumed and selfish, that my heart just didn't beat for much, other than my daughter or alcohol. Prior to sobriety, I cared, I had emotions, I worried, but understanding love at a deeper level, just became so surreal when I stopped drinking. "True love" has many facets, and I strongly feel we love at a multitude of levels, in a variety of ways, for many different people. Today, I wanted to focus on the love I have for my husband, and how my relationship has been transformed by giving up alcohol. James just celebrated his 45th birthday! He deserves some attention! He has truly stood by me in the darkest of times, and it takes a virtual saint to withstand the mental (and sometimes physical) abuse that an alcoholic or addict can project.
I was reunited with James in 2012, many years after we attended high school together. I think one of the most profound things that I remember about him in our early dating stages, was that he was just such a genuine and humble person. I was attracted to his heart, soul, and he was pretty darn good looking too! I just felt content in our relationship, and it continued to grow. We dated for about a year before we made it official, and from there on we started to build a life together. In 2020, we finally tied the knot! He also adopted my baby girl. It finally felt like our family was complete.
Alcoholism, is a progressive disease. It only gets worse. I had actually attempted my first bout at sobriety, six months prior to marrying James. The impending wedding celebration, made it seem like it was time to give some controlled drinking a try! I firmly believed that I had a grasp on this drinking thing. Looking back, I was just paving the way for deeper emotional destruction. I had already become an alcoholic, and things only got worse from there.
It was in rehab, July of 2022, that I had a liberating spiritual experience. In an act of desperation, I began to seek a Higher Power. It was then that my soul began to transform. I began to experience a deeper love and appreciation for the people that had been in my life all this time. James, being one of those people, at the top of my list! His strength was hard to define. I will be forever grateful for his huge heart, and his ability to love and support me during my time of greatest weakness. James was, and will always be the rock in our family. During my darkest time, I actually truly fell in love with my husband in a way that I had never experienced. Our relationship has continued to grow from that point on.
Celebrating James' birthday this year, was something that I just enjoyed doing. Previously, his birthday would have truly revolved around what I wanted to do for him. Of course, that meant what was convenient for my drinking. It never revolved around what James wanted. This year was thankfully different! It was about what James wanted! He wanted to go to Bass Pro for his birthday, so we went! I loved watching him shop and get excited about all his potential purchases! After Bass Pro, he actually got to choose the restaurant HE wanted to go to! He seemed to enjoy his meal thoroughly! He wasn't stressed about pleasing me and my demands for the waitress to hurry up and bring me my next alcohol beverage. Yes, I have done these things before! All of this may sound insane to the average person, but if you know someone, like me, who is an alcoholic, you can relate to the previously selfish behaviors that I described displaying in the past.
Prior to my sobriety, my heart just stopped having the capacity to love at deeper levels as my alcoholism progressed. I allowed my heart to be filled with alcohol rather than an appreciation for those around me. I have been blessed with an amazing family, and I am truly blessed to have James as a husband. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him and treasure the times that we have together. Steve Maraboli said, "I find the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves." I am so grateful for James' love, support, strength, and belief in me, so that I can continue to reveal the greatest version of myself.
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