Believe!

 November 19, 2022

112 days

Unmanageable. That was what my life had become prior to sobriety.  Completely and utterly unmanageable.  I was so desperate for a solution, I would have done almost anything to get some manageability back into my life. I felt like I was a failure at everything, all aspects of life...my home, my relationships, and my health. Desperation was what finally led me to make a choice, and I pray that it will be one that lasts forever.  Sobriety was the remaining key that could lead me out of the hell hole I had gotten myself into.  

In the end of July, I checked myself into rehab with the assistance of my husband. It was something we had discussed and arranged for days prior to my arrival. My home, and all aspects of it, were failing.  I was spending my days planning my next drink or drinking.  Boredom/loneliness were huge driving factors for many of my alcohol driven habits. I am learning that now. I have had to retrain myself to learn to live WITH myself.  I hated so many aspects of who I was and who I let myself become, that it was very hard to do at first.  It is still difficult sometimes. 

My family was truly suffering trying to manage such an unmanageable individual.  I had become completely out of control. My relationships with family and friends were surface deep.  Why?  Alcohol was the controlling factor, and I was letting it get the best of me. It was so difficult, at the time, to think about spending time with people without considering where and when I was going to drink WITH them. It is so sad to think about now, but that is how controlling and powerful this addicting substance can be. The disease of alcoholism can be relentless. 

Tasks that now seem routine, used to barely get done, if done at all. Basic household chores I would put off, because I truly felt like shit from the binger the night before, and would have rather slept my hangover off. I once thought I was a high functioning drinker, and eventually I realized, if the disease captures you, eventually nothing functions. My lack of desire to complete household tasks, I know drove my husband crazy.  Understandably so. I had no role in the marriage at this point.  He couldn't depend on me, and at the time, I liked it that way.  God forbid someone needed me...I didn't want to be needed, I wanted to drink. 

My mental and physical health were suffering greatly.  I had just completely let myself go.  During my breast cancer diagnosis and surgeries, I feel that was when my alcoholism reached its pinnacle.  I was trying to numb the pain of the entire experience, and yet I was just causing deeper wounds emotionally. My face suffered from redness, my weight had skyrocketed, my throat was constantly irritated from the burn of alcohol, the swelling in my entire body was noticeable, and I just always felt like shit. 

I now can say that I have a renewed sense of purpose.  I can believe in myself once again. I have been blessed with so many wonderful people, opportunities, and things. My spirituality is stronger than it ever has been.  I strongly rely on the power of prayer. My weight is down over 30+ pounds. My overall health is quickly making a come back! Tis' the season to BELIEVE!  

Pic:

One of the ornaments on my Christmas Tree this year, sums up this Holiday Season!  BELIEVE! I also am super proud of myself for getting the Christmas Decorations up super early this year!