Turning Point

May 5, 2023

 280 days of sobriety! (9 months and 6 days)

I recently celebrated 9 months of sobriety. Last year, this time, I had no clue that my life would be forever transformed in the upcoming months. I was looking for all the answers to the pain and misery I was experiencing, but unfortunately, the more I looked, the further down the bottle I fell. In so many forums and discussion boards that I partake, many people will ask, “What was your turning point?” My turning point was when I could no longer look at myself in the mirror because the guilt, shame, and remorse were unbearable. Drinking had become the epicenter of my world. 

Unfortunately, in May of last year, although I had not hit my rock bottom, I was in the process of digging a hole that would take almost a miracle to get out of. At this time, I was preparing for my final reconstructive breast cancer surgery. I had the perfect opportunity to dwell in self-pity and therefore choose to consume excessive amounts of alcohol to cope.  

My surgery was the end of May, and that also meant the end of the school year! Typically a cause for celebration, but at this point in my life, I had worn out every good excuse to celebrate! Looking back, I turned every opportunity I had into a celebratory affair just so I could drink. So, my drinking continued. I wallowed in selfishness and self-pity, despite the great news that I was cancer free and I was getting some of the best medical care possible. 

I remember, clearly, the evening before my final surgery. My husband and I drove to Tampa to stay the night prior to the procedure. My husband wanted to be prepared for the early check-in. Looking back, I conveniently created an excuse to drink, and I convinced my husband we needed to go out and “have a few” prior to my surgery. This was a way to ease my nerves or that’s what I told myself. My “few” turned into a late night debacle, of course. I could never have a “few.” Despite the multiple warnings I received from the medical team, to refrain from alcohol use prior to surgery, I got completely hammered. My addiction hindered any ability to see the harm I was causing myself, the risks I was taking, and the damage I was causing my family. 

The next few months after my surgery were a blur. The disease had manifested itself into something that was crucifying. I drank for every possible reason, until I hit my rock bottom sometime in July. I remember coming home from another relentless, drunken escapade. I decided to take a shower, and upon getting out of the shower I slipped on our tile and split my head open. Blood was everywhere! 

My poor husband, sickened by my actions, vomited multiple times. My daughter, who was extremely worried for her mom’s health, followed us to the hospital. I came home with multiple staples in my head, and the feelings of worthlessness were just overwhelming. It wasn’t until the next night, when my dad came to our house, that he introduced me to the concept of a rock bottom. He asked me, “Is this your rock bottom?” I responded that I didn’t know. Shortly thereafter, I would quickly realize the absolute emotional despair I was in. I was seeking refuge, and unfortunately I kept turning to alcohol as a solution. This was my turning point! 

Everybody has a different kind of rock bottom!  Some rock bottoms entail loosing everything...families, jobs, and our sanity. For some people, their rock bottom may be a little less damaging.  Either way, as alcoholics, finding our rock bottom is key to facing the turning point of this cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. Not everyone, has to loose all the important things to realize their rock bottom. In my case, I lost my emotional sanity, and I knew if I kept drinking the rest would soon follow. I heard this at a meeting once, "The greatest power I have received was my ability to admit I was powerless over alcohol." I feel like this is profound, and I am no longer living in the bondage of self.  I have a new found freedom in active recovery!  I love living one day at a time!