Sobriety = Reality

 October 15, 2022

Day 77

Yesterday was a day that was very surreal to me.  It was my last day working for Brevard Public Schools as a contract employee.  I felt a mix of emotions, and at the same time it was a great day to realize I am still so full of "triggers."  Sobriety = Reality.  Yesterday was REALITY. I remember a good friend saying about sobriety, "The good thing is that you get your feelings back...the bad thing is that you get your feelings back." I have often thought about that phrase because she was so right, my feelings have returned in a plethora of ways.  Sometimes, I am not even sure which direction they are coming from! 

I was extremely exhausted due to lack of sleep Thursday night.  As I have mentioned previously, lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me. Friday morning began around 2:30am, I worked on finalizing report cards. Life of a teacher?  I don't think some people realize the extent of hours that are put into this "career" to ensure the success of our students.  The good thing is that things like this keep my mind occupied during these restless periods, and thankfully teachers tend to be driven by passion for their careers. 

At around 4:30am I decided to go take a walk along the river.  I enjoy this place immensely.  I love the stretch between the Yacht Club and the Captain Robert Hardee Dock.  It feels like home there. A place of belonging and tranquility.  It gives me time to reflect upon lots of things!  My past, the present, and what I really would like my future to become.  Sometimes, I just like to STOP, and literally just "sit in the moment" of that place and time.  "Life is short, reflection is key!" 

Once I arrived at school, the day went by so quickly!  The hustle and bustle of an elementary school never ceases to amaze me!  As the day ended, I was once again reminded of the kindness that radiates from within educators.  People jump right in to complete the task at hand and other teachers offered to help me move rooms!  The reality of this being a finality, a completion, almost a celebratory occasion of sorts began to trigger me hard!  The triggers were real, and at times I could feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to just go home and take a drink of alcohol.  I have never had this type of feeling before, even prior to quitting drinking.

Thankfully, I made it through my work day, but I remember talking to my mom on my drive home and telling her I did not have that sense of relief yet that I was hoping to feel upon that last day. I was confident I had NO REGRETS, but relief just wasn't there yet. I also explained to her this overwhelming feeling I had to drink, but that I knew I was tired and hungry.  Feelings were just in abundance at this time!  It was a complex day needless to say, I guess all of this could/should be expected? She kindly reminded me that life is always going to have triggers, and that I was doing a great job.  (Looking back, I truly think it was my fear of drinking hindering my relief. I was scared to let my guard down.) 

When I got home, my restlessness and irritability were in full gear.  The big question on Fridays between the family is always, "What do we do?"  As I have explained previously, it is not my goal to isolate myself from the world due to alcohol or to isolate the world from alcohol due to myself! LOL But, hunger can be a huge trigger for me and given the right situation, I know I better walk a fine line.  

Yesterday evening we decided to go to a social event that was to raise money for hurricane relief.  This was, once again, a HUGE trigger for me given the circumstances that led up to this event, and the fact that I was REALLY tired and hungry by the time we got there.  Two of my really close friends were there, and I remember how kind they were about my sobriety.  They greeted me with such compassion and caring words.  But, I'll be honest, despite all the kindness that was surrounding me that evening, the hour or two we were at that event, the struggle not to drink was SO REAL!!!  I communicated this to my husband, multiple times, and he was so strong and supportive.  Once again, kindness...

After we were done, we all decided to go get something to eat.  Finally, dinner!!!  Once I ate, moderately, of course, I felt so much better. I could actually truly enjoy their company, and I laughed, acted a little silly, but overall just enjoyed the beautiful evening with beautiful company! The love that surrounded me yesterday evening was truly all encompassing and it pulled me through!  "Kindness is the ability to see strength in others." I am so grateful to all of these people for seeing a strength in me that I had not seen in myself!  The reality is that I have people that truly love me sober!!! :) 

My view of Captain Robert Hardee Dock just off of Main Street. 
Sebastian, Florida

Ohana charity event for Hurricane Relief
Renee Francis, owner of Art Minded, my BFF!!! :) 
Location: Chesser's Gap, Florida


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