Love is Patient, Love is Kind

 December 16, 2022

139 days

In the past week, I have experienced a range of feelings and emotions.  I was excited to have the opportunity to attend another wedding sober, and I was able to go to our Annual Indian River County Cattlemen's Association Christmas Party and Auction clear headed. As the Big Book describes on page 340, "Alcohol had enslaved me." In the past, it was difficult for me to fathom going anywhere without drinking first.  Especially towards the end of my demise, I needed a drink to just about leave the house and attend any social event. Anxiety, in general, is a huge trigger for me.  Social anxiety, especially, is a huge trigger for me.  I felt like I just couldn't handle the pressure of social events, without taking that first sip.  The problem for me, is, that the first sip always turned into a night long binger and the ramifications of that became more and more apparent. 

Last Saturday, James, Reina, and I headed out of town to Okeechobee to attend the Davis and Stallard wedding. It felt good to get dressed up and I am regaining my confidence daily. It had gotten to a point in my drinking, where I was so insecure with myself, that I dreaded events like this.  The only way out, I thought, was to numb my feelings with alcohol, when in actuality alcohol was a huge culprit for the way I was feeling. The wedding was beautiful, and I truly enjoyed myself.  It was nice to see my daughter have so much fun!  I loved watching her dance and enjoy time with her friends! My alcoholism truly stole occasions like this away from my daughter.  When I drank, she was more focused on me, then on being able to enjoy herself.  She worried constantly about me, and I know her worry was truly justified.  In my selfish attempt to drown out my own personal pain and worry, I was actually recreating those same feelings within my daughter. The only way I knew to help stop this vicious cycle of addiction, was to jump off the merry-go-round I had been riding for years and choose to get sober. 

Wednesday evening was the Annual Cattlemen's Christmas Party.  I have always enjoyed going to this event, but like many of the events that I have attended lately, I knew there was going to be an open bar.  Open bars, in the past, were like the cherry on top of an ice cream.  It seemed to make things complete.  I remember walking into Waldo's Garden and seeing the crowd of people, and I truly began salivating for alcohol. I almost began to have an anxiety attack, at the pure notion that I would have to face socializing with people sober. This was a HUGE TRIGGER for me!  I immediately communicated my feelings to James and Reina, and they gently urged me on through the event.  With that being said, I cannot tell you that I was the life of the party. To be honest, I was a little disengaged at times.  Sobriety is part of my personal journey though.  I am realizing that my sobriety does not impact people nearly as bad as my drinking did.  People are probably more willing to accept me sober and a little disengaged over me being drunk and an asshole. This will get easier! 

I know my only option to help my family's healing process, is to stay sober. I realize sobriety takes a lot of work, and it does not come without challenges. The difference between the challenges of sobriety and the challenges of actually being drunk though, are that I am clear headed and of sound mind to make the decisions that I do. Trust me, I would much rather deal with any ramifications from a sober mind than compared to my mind under the influence of alcohol.  I am discovering that I can attend social events, and when I leave sober, I actually have feelings of accomplishment.  I love the personal feelings of growth and new found confidence that I have been able to achieve.  I love that my family seems to be more at ease around me!  Things will never be perfect, but they damn sure are a lot more peaceful...one day at a time! 

* Special thank you to the Indian River Cattlemen's Association for purchasing Reina's Grand Champion Swine in March.  They do an amazing job of supporting our youth throughout Indian River County. 


Pics from the Davis & Stallard Wedding:










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